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21 September 2005 @ 10:15 pm
Young!Mort rant.  
Do you ever feel invisible? Not just, you know, ignored...but seriously, like, non-existent. Or maybe like a vapor, something not quite a solid, nor a liquid, nor a gas, and people think they notice you, occasionally, but really they're just imagining things.

I feel like that constantly. Even in my own little circle of friends I sometimes feel completely on the outside looking in. I don't ever say anything...maybe I should. But if I did, would it make a difference? If, one of those times, I pulled Angie or Steve...no, definitely Angie...aside, and said, "Hey, is it just me, or are you guys completely ignoring me?"

And it's not even like it happens only when I'm in big groups, either. Of course I'll provide you with examples.

Today I was walking down the hall on the way to lunch, and I was reasonably certain I was the only one occupying the hall, other than my friend, who comes bounding up to me with a huge smile on his face. Well, he's more of an accquantaince, if you want to get technical. Anyway, I said, "You look awfully bouncy, today." I wondered what had just happened that could have made him look so enthused. Did he have some good news for me? Was I invited to a party? Was our English class cancelled, again?

Walks right past me.

I turned around and saw two girls I don't know, and he was talking to them excitedly. I stood there for a moment, my ten thousand books balanced on one hip, my eyebrow raised incredulously. Finally he noticed me standing there, staring in dumb disbelief at the back of his head, and said, "Sorry, Mort, I was looking at them."

Yeah. Obviously. Have a nice day.

A similar thing happened, yesterday, actually. This really cute girl, Jammes (but she pronounces it 'James' for some reason, like her name is too French for her liking), was walking rather slowly down the hall, ahead of me. Again, on the way to lunch, relatively empty hallway (I take a kind of side-hall that tends to be pretty deserted). She stops, turns around and looks at me with a kind of coy smile on her face. I'd noticed her before, and I've always thought she was pretty. I'm fortunate enough not to have any major crushes, but I'm not sure if that's better than having a bunch of little crushes on, like, every pretty girl at school...which I do.

My cheeks turned red, immediately, and I felt that lump rise up into my throat that always makes it so impossible to say anything when things like this happen. Still, I try my best, and even as she's starting walking past me in the opposite direction, I manage to squeak out a, "Uh, hi Jammes." I pronounced it correctly, and everything.

"Are you coming, or what?"

Her friend was behind me, the whole time, and had stopped to get a drink at the fountain. It's all I can do not to take my 600 page history text and smash it into my forehead, right then and there. Honestly. Why would she talk to me? In a deserted corridor, nevertheless...all though, I suppose it'd be safer for her reputation to do so, there, than in plain view of our fellow students. Sigh.

This isn't just lately, either. I guess for some annoying reason, I'm just noticing it more, lately. I've always been a dork, a geek, a dweeb, a nerd, whatever the hell degrading four (or five) letter word you want to use to describe my lack of popularity, unfortunate skin condition and interest in Dungeons and Dragons...I've always been that. I probably always will be. It pisses me off, but I'm not alone in it, so it's mostly okay. We dorks gotta stick together, and we do, for the most part. Except for when they ignore me.

I'm pretty sure they don't do it, deliberately. But a couple of days ago, also at lunch, I came up behind Angie in the line and started to talk to her. She didn't respond. No one else was talking to her, I wasn't speaking all that softly, she just wasn't hearing me. Finally, she turns around and goes, "Oh, hi Mort."

"I've been talking to you for like, a minute and a half." Exaggeration is usually apropros in situations such as these, so I utilize it as I see fit. No one really seems to care.

"You know how deaf I am," she replies, lamely, and shovels more pickles onto her burger.

In a group of three or more people, I can't get a word in. The fact that I may not have anything noteworthy to say is irrelevant; it still makes me feel like crap. The only time anyone really notices me is during D&D, or when I'm with my parents. They claim to never see me often enough, and I respond by saying I'm doing them a favor, trust me. My sister could give a damn if I fell of the face of the earth, and the feeling is mostly mutual. It just bothers me when my own alleged "friends" act like I'm not there.

Oh well. I guess that's a sufficient amount of bitching for today.
 
 
 
Katukatu on September 22nd, 2005 03:59 am (UTC)
Dude...I seriously am deaf, though. But I see what you're saying. If I'd known you'd been having troubles being ignored, I would definitely have put my hearing aids in :P.

And you know...it is really hard to be heard, with our friends. The only reason anyone pays me any attention is because I have boobies. Maybe you should look into implants. In other news, though...this was a really funny entry. I mean, personal feelings aside, this is witty stuff. It's really good. You should keep a journal, and get it published. Dork, Interrupted.
(Anonymous) on September 22nd, 2005 04:35 pm (UTC)
Too lazy to log in.
Nah, you don't have to do that just for lil ol' me. You'll get made fun of even more, if that's possible. I wonder what would happen if you, like, stopped being a dork. If you just one day decided to care about your appearance on a meticulous level, and were completely made over. Not that I want this to happen, mind you. I wouldn't have you abandon me. You'd probably clean up pretty good, though.

This is just a rant. It's a place for me to vent. And why the hell did you read it, you sneak? Not that I mind, or anything. I mean, you're probably the last person I have anything to hide from. But I'm flattered, nonetheless.
Katukatu on October 10th, 2005 05:23 pm (UTC)
Re: Too lazy to log in.
Nah, it's not like I really mind being made fun of, anymore. Stop being a dork? Are you freaking kidding? I'm not gonna give up D&D or Star Trek and start...yanno, showering, or wearing makeup or anything.

And yeah, I'm sneaky. But you like it.